He asked for help

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Thursday 1/27/2022

This is the text that both broke my heart and showed me the strength of my son. After opening it I ran into his room and found him lying in bed, crying in a fetal position repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". I ran and sat next to him, rubbing his back and looking around to see if I could see anything out of the ordinary that he could have been apologizing for. It's OK, i kept repeating to him, it's ok, as i kept rubbing his back to calm him down and then his next words made my blood run cold. "I don't want to die"

I yelled my husband's name without moving away from my son, nor losing touch. The last thing I wanted was to lose that connection because I know the pain of losing someone close and I don't want to feel that again. "Did you take something to kill yourself?" i asked as my husband walked into the room. "No" he mumbled, "I flushed them". My husband walked into the bathroom and found 2 bottles of pills in the bathroom trashcan.

I told him how proud I was how he asked for help. How we loved him unconditionally. I continued to rub his back while he cried sobs. Something I had never heard him do since he was a toddler.

I quickly stepped away and called my good friend Jennifer, who has survived this with her own son, and gave her a quick rundown of what had happened. She raised me up and let me know that I had done everything right. Her final words of advice was to go through his room and do a sweep to make sure that we cleaned everything out.

I went back to his room and asked him if we could go through his drawers to make sure there was nothing else. He said yes. We cleared out his bathroom and desk drawers and threw away the rest of his pills and alcohol that were there. We also removed anything that he could use to hurt himself.

I spent the rest of the night calling the 24 hour nurse line with our insurance to find out what kind of support was available, she talked to Jonah for a good while and found out that he had been using for about a year, had thought of suicide but was not currently suicidal and he was suffering from depression.

I also called the National Treatment referral line for places in our area for possible treatment.

Sleep was difficult all night. We got up often to check on him, making sure that he was still with us until the sun came up.

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